Lucianotes: Debates Destroying Zwift Friendships

May 31, 2022

LAST UPDATED May 31, 2022

Rim vs Disc Brakes

I have seen this one tearing teams apart. This is dogmatic on both sides, reaching levels of bad faith until now unknown to humankind. If you listen to disc brakes supporters, discs are the ultimate item you can use for anything. You can brake a bike with them for sure, but you can also use them to build a house, bake a pizza, write a book; with a disc brake you are the closest you can be to a superhero. On the contrary, according to rim brake supporters, disc brakes are living proof Lucifer’s influence over the world is greater than ever. Discs are nothing but extracts of the devil’s ribs. “Rim” and “Disc” should be terms banned from the Zwift community.

Zwift vs IRL

The first guy who made this comparison should be decapitated in a public place, like Game of Thrones. Why place the two in opposition? Of course it will never be the same as IRL! Zwift is a simulation trying to replicate IRL road riding in an entertaining way. And this is one of the only video games in existence that actually makes you physically experience something very close to its IRL counterpart. How many times have you actually bled when injured playing Call of Duty?

Should Tron be Forbidden In Races?

I insulted the first person who said that. I had the impression he was threatening one of my children. How dare you challenge the use of my beloved glowing Tron Bike?!?! (However, beyond the symbolic and emotional tie I have with my pink Tron, I get the point. I have experienced racing without a Tron for a few weeks and it is more entertaining in a way. It makes you think way more about the race and make risky choices.)

Do you have the Tron bike?

Staying on the Tron topic, it looks like there are two classes of citizens in Watopia. Those owning the Tron and those still under the threshold of poverty. Because let’s be clear, the Tron bike has a price: 50,000 meters of elevation. If you are up for a good fight, prepare your popcorn in advance and throw that question in any Discord channel. You will immediately create a conflict of apocalyptic magnitude.

What is the best bike for the next race?

I have seen both the smartest and the stupidest theories when explaining the strategy for choosing one virtual bike vs the other. And it becomes a matter of pride: even when your choice of bike was obviously the wrong one, nobody is ever going to admit it post-race. “It went exactly as planned, I made the best choice.”

However, let’s cut that one short all of you heretics: there is one and only one right answer to this question; the best bike is whatever Eric says in ZI.

Have you seen the Yeti in ADZ?

First of all, the Yeti does not exist, it’s bait to get you climbing ADZ again and again. Someone who climbed ADZ more than 60 times is talking here. Whoever tells you they had a long conversation with the Yeti about the meaning of life is lying. In case you didn’t notice, I am speaking from the depths of my frustration from not having seen the Yeti despite my regular visits to ADZ. Each time I see that warning sign “attention au Yeti ” I have the impression a knife is being slowly inserted between my shoulder blades. When the hell am I going to see the freaking thing!?

At what attempt did you get the Lightweight Meilenstein wheels?

I thought I was unlucky by getting them on the 14th climb. I was so so wrong. I have some Coalition colleagues thinking of making an IRL pilgrimage to Lourdes or the Vatican in order to ask for the Lightweight wheels you can get on top of ADZ through a “wheel of fortune” lottery. They have attempted the climb of ADZ so many times in order to get them that they just abandoned the idea. (The good part of this is that it creates perfect occasions to brag about my Lightweight wheels. Each time I ride with one of those guys I make sure I load them on my bike even if we are on the flattest of the circuits.)

Wahoo vs Tacx

The fanboy debate. IPhone or Android? Wahoo or Tacx? Let’s get ready to rumble! Amanda, my Wahoo Kickr v4 2018, is the most beautiful thing in the world. She is permanently in fear that I will be changing her for a younger Kickr v5 2020, or even worse for the sexier Kickr Bike. However, she knows Tacx Neo 2T is not my type and there is no risk I will cheat on her with a Tacx Bike. You just can’t explain it. That’s the way it is.

Smart Bike vs Smart Trainer

Smart bikes are inaccurate! You get watts for free!
What are you talking about, smart trainer sticky watter?
Why would you buy another static bike you can’t use for anything else, super expensive by the way…
Well, ask yourself that same question the next time you are struggling to get your bike out of the smart trainer and swearing because the thru-axle of your rear wheel bike is refusing to close…

Is it a curse of humankind that you enjoy your own toys only if you bash the toys of others?

Zwift is Just a Game

For me this one is a cause of secession from any team or group. Not just a game for me, full stop. Many times I have seen this used as a justification to cheat one way or another. “Why would you care if someone cheats? It’s just a game” or “Why do you put so much effort into it? It’s just a game.” Well, I have made so many friends, and leveraged on Zwift so much during the pandemic… during lockdown I would have gone crazier than I actually am.

How do we manage to get our own kit as a team?

As soon as the question is asked I have the Indiana Jones music theme resonating in my head.

Getting your own team kit on Zwift is both a matter of courage, patience, faith, and luck according to the ones who made it. The recipe is secret and you get to know it only when you make it to the end. Then you sign an NDA in which you commit not to reveal the path to anyone. This is the most challenging escape room in the world. Some say it is easier to reach nirvana than to get your own team kit on Zwift, so it’s quite probable that universal harmony will be reached before your team gets theirs. (It seems it has gotten easier lately though…)

Roglic or Pogacar? Wout Van Aert, MVDP or Alaphilippe? Is Remco Evenepoel a genius or a jerk?

Pogacar / Alaphilippe / Genius. Whoever has a different opinion on any of these three items is immediately excluded from my circle of friends. There are some basic non-negotiable pillars in any friendship. Those are mine.

Is the message off-topic or not?

In a Discord channel someone says something vaguely related to the channel topic and BOOM. You always have someone ready to trigger the “it’s off-topic” flat. Then you have 1,512,554 messages from those saying it is not off-topic and those saying it is off-topic, creating a whole “it is off-topic” off-topic thread in the channel. Oh my….