Hey lovely D Cats – welcome to the world of BamBam does Recons. Let’s be honest; this week is as good as it gets for D Cats – it’s relatively flat and will be fast.
Read the full week 4 Sprinter’s Playground recon >
As with every start, it will be manic. I can still remember our first ZRL race when the Captain said, “Just do your best.” I didn’t start pedaling 10 secs before the race, slowly ramping up to sprint pace at 0.00; instead, I waited until the big ‘Go’ smug in the knowledge that I was going to be incredible.
I learnt quickly.
Let’s look at how this recon will actually play out for us.
0–1.3km: Holy crap – I cannot keep this up for the next 37km – please slow down. Please slow…ok – sprint coming 320 m. I’m riding through… look for the dancey people and the bus stop – which bus stop.. oh shit… did I miss it? I’m being dropped….I’m being dropped…. Sprint SPRINT.
1.6km: I can’t breathe….I can’t breathe… breathe…breathe…. focus…find group, any group. Don’t be alone. Listen to soothing tones of DS on Discord as she cooes “It will get easier, they will slow” – everyone knows she is lying, but it does soothe and I allow this to become a pretend belief.
Thought pattern – how far to the next sprint – 3.something. Listen – pay attention – pick up lung later – it’ll be there on the 2nd lap.
Turn right at the big shop – then left – then right – there’s the parking – I’m going for this one – get ready – round the bend – GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How far? How far? How far?? Please DS say relax, why is the DS not saying relax…I’ve sprinted about a km now. ‘Relax’ – dear sweet baby Jesus – that was waaaaayyyyy over 320m. I do not trust that DS one little bit – checklist on left-hand side– shit missed it – did you see the time – did anyone see my time? I think I did it – I think that was about 10 secs – 20? Are you kidding me – 20? No way – Just no way – that’s it. I’m done – Getting off now. Ok – I’ll stay – part of a team – not all about me. But 20?
Push up the hill, get ready for the next sprint – was I going for this one? No way – sit with this group. Why are they dropping trucks – oh no! Look for the urinal on the wall on left. They’re sprinting – oh my lordy – I will have to ramp it up again. NOOOOO! I hate this course….
Done – breathe – push – stop bloody sprinting everyone – just stop it. Now we can pootle. Oi you from the other team – stop pushing – this is the pootle bit – POOTLE! Let’s work together – (please let’s work together). That means we all do a turn – not you sit on my wheel and slow down all the time!
Ah – Si Bradeley’s little 800m kicker – let’s be clear here. This is a hill – not a bump, not a kicker. I can tell you exactly where there is a kicker – just before the sprint on the Two (Three) Bridges Loop – that’s a kicker!!! Think nice thoughts about Si Bradeley and his wonderful recons, and try to believe that this is only a kicker.
Ok – I’m up, I’m up – look for hotel – which hotel – lots of hotels – can’t read my notes – sweat in my eyes – ouch – ouch– get ready – start sprinting – push – why is that green banner not getting any nearer? Why do I have a ghost? What use is that to me? Why is everyone else overtaking me? Why do I still have 200m to go? NO. Not happening- sit down. Roll through …
And so down to the arcade – look at the pictures – don’t look at the carpet – too late – looked at the carpet – think I’m going to vomit or have some sort of fit. Why does it make me think of dodgy nightclubs where my shoes used to stick to the carpet? Get through this as quickly as possible.
“Well done, BamBam – two laps to go” seeps through my headphones. I leave Discord.
Finally a realistic D Cat recon!
Britney CrinkleChips thanks you for raising awareness for D cat sprinters everywhere. Especially the big, lumpy ones that finish 37 minutes behind first place, with leg cramps so bad that even an Interweb meme can’t touch it!
So accurate, super hilarious and we want more reviews like this one.
Agreed. If Caroline writes ’em, I’ll post ’em!