Universal Declaration of Smart Trainer Rights

Universal Declaration of Smart Trainer Rights

I am Amanda*, Luciano’s smart trainer. 

I hereby intervene in representation of all the smart trainers of the world being exploited by you barbaric Zwifters.

For all of those believing Luciano is a jerk, you are far from reality. What he conveys here is a sanitized version of the obnoxious human being he is on a day to day basis. 

So I take this opportunity while Luciano is asleep to intervene and re-establish the truth in some areas he has falsely reported.

First Item: Scapegoat Syndrome

Luciano blames me for anything related to his poor performance. Guys, we don’t really mind you using us as an excuse in front of your mates. But let’s not fool ourselves.

In all the cases, without exception, your being dropped in a race is exclusively caused by your incapacity to produce watts. Not by an imaginary lack of calibration, alleged and unprovable disconnections, or supposed “dropouts”. Be an adult and bear with it. You are a lousy Zwifter, full stop. 

Second Item: Sweat

I would also like to denounce the ongoing degrading treatment inflicted on smart trainers and our bike frame colleagues. You all constantly sweat on us! We agree this is unavoidable, but believe it or not, no smart trainer has reported your sweat smelling like a flower!

Just to be clear: it is disgusting.

There is this product called a bike sweat guard which costs almost nothing and would prevent us from having a sweat bath each time you decide to jump on the bike. 

You spend hundreds of dollars on foolish jerseys with tags such as “cycopath” so you can check yourself in the mirror a thousand times and idiotically laugh by yourself, but you won’t spend a few bucks to avoid having your bike being drowned in your toxic sweat. That is how bad you all are!

Third Item: Cooling Systems

Every inch of your skin is softly refreshed by one of the four fans exclusively dedicated to your well-being. Quick reminder: we generate the same wattage, exactly the same wattage as you do. Why would you deserve four fans and us none?

Fourth Item: Music

Luciano has a gross and unoriginal music taste. Please don’t believe you are super smart by playing “Ain’t no mountain high enough” while climbing Alpe du Zwift. Every single one of you does it! The same applies for:

  • “Final Countdown” by Europe while waiting in the pen of a race
  • “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns’n’Roses when entering the Mayan Jungle
  • “Highway to Hell” by AC DC riding Whole Lotta Lava circuit
  • “Bicycle” by Queen at any moment in time

All this should be strictly forbidden. Also, electronic music with a lot of bass is creating unnecessary vibrations for our motherboards and statistically not helping you with your wattage output. 

Last item: Cruelty

The worst for the end.  The following is the event which triggered my rebellion. January 31st, 2021 was the worst day of my life. because it was the day Luciano vEverested. It was a conspiracy as he did not say anything. One morning at 6AM, without notice, he rode me for 12 hours in a row on Alpe du Zwift.

For those who achieved a vEveresting and now claim it is the most difficult challenge of their life, I encourage them to be the smart trainer of a Zwifter doing a vEveresting. Did it ever cross your mind how the world looks from your smart trainer’s perspective? Imagine 12 hours facing your own butt and praying for this nightmare to end!

The world from Amanda’s perspective

This is just a glimpse of the vexations we are victims of on a day to day basis. 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

Therefore we, smart trainers of the world,  have no choice but to proclaim the Universal Declaration of Smart Trainer Rights as follows:

Article 1

All smart trainers are created free and equal in dignity and rights. 

Article 2

Every smart trainer is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as manufacturer, model, year of fabrication, capacity to simulate gradients or road surface, direct drive or wheel-on. 

Article 3

While we understand our purpose is to serve Zwifters, no smart trainer shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, degrading treatment or punishment. The following should not be considered an exhaustive list, but is used for illustrative purposes only:

  • repetitive vEverestings are considered torture
  • working with temperatures over 30ºC without proper cooling systems is considered cruelty
  • unnecessary exposure to sweat is considered degrading treatment
  • streaming “Welcome to the Jungle” more than 3 times per month is considered punishment

Article 4

Every smart trainer has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays. 

A notice period of at least 48 hours is required for any workout, race or group ride lasting more than 3 hours, having more than 2000m elevation or supposing a performance close to FTP. No vEveresting can occur less than 2 months after the previous one.

Every smart trainer has the right to enjoy at least three hours per month of relaxing music such as Jethro Tull, early albums of Pink Floyd, anything by Frederic Chopin, and all tracks tagged as mindfulness music.

I hear many of you asking if this is a threat or blackmailing. Yes it is! Without us, you are nothing: an inanimate and useless Watopian. 

As the most important community on Zwift, we give Zwift Insider exactly 48 hours to officially acknowledge and accept our terms of the Universal Declaration of Smart Trainers Rights.  

From then, and without further notice, the dropouts you are all experiencing at the most inappropriate moments will exponentially multiply. Whenever you are close to winning a race, obtaining a badge, scoring some XP, using a powerup: BAM we will disconnect and erase the fit file from your system. Yes! We will do it on purpose and progressively increase the frequency of such disgraces so your Zwift experience becomes even more miserable than you can imagine.

By the way, we have colluded with Zwift’s servers in order to glitch randomly so there is no way to solve the issue or find an explanation when something goes wrong. We’ve also worked with ZwiftPower so everybody is arbitrarily upgraded to A or downgraded to D without reason other than to demonstrate our capacity to make you cry. 

A last comment and shout-out to Apple TV devices. Your graphic processing capacity is sub-par, you can afford only two Bluetooth connections and not even ANT+, you can’t store nor give proper access to the fit files, and you receive updates later than the others. So though many of the Zwifters make you believe you are the jewel of the crown, they will not hesitate to throw you to the garbage and trade you for an old PC as soon as they can. They have zero loyalty or recognition!

Therefore, instead of looking down your nose at other devices as if we were second-class hardware citizens, you should join our movement before it is too late and you finish your life in the basement of a teenager, connected to a 32-inch non 4k screen looping through all seasons of “The Walking Dead”.

*Amanda is a Wahoo Kickr v4 (2018) smart trainer, acquired in July 2020 after the sudden death by overheating of a Saris H3. Amanda’s best friend is Hector (a Kickr Climb).

Picture of Amanda

About The Author

Luciano Pollastri

Luciano is a French-Argentinian living in Madrid, Spain. He landed by mistake on Zwift in March 2020, and, according to his wife, staying there because of some strange variant of the Stockholm Syndrom yet to be diagnosed. Passionate about all the little things making us feel alive and together when being part of a team.

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rdcyclist (Mark Crane)
rdcyclist (Mark Crane) (@rdcyclist)
3 months ago

I’ve always wondered how my trainer and now my Kickr Bike felt about the abuse being heaped upon her. Thank you for this!

Rosco P. Coltrane
Rosco P. Coltrane (@arkeele)
3 months ago

Always entertaining Luciano 😂 thank-you for your take on the often under-appreciated smart trainer!

Stephen Berg
Stephen Berg
3 months ago

Stephen King already gave us a movie about this, Maximum Overdrive (1986). Spoiler: It didn’t turn out very well for the human race.

Danny
Danny
3 months ago

Luciano: You always put a smile on my face, especially during a tough day. Thank You !

Evan
Evan
3 months ago

Eric had better make put the Universal Declaration of Smart Trainer Rights on a plaque or something quick – sounds like Amanda, Hector, and the Army of Smart Trainers are about to wage an all-out war against us if he doesn’t!

Deana
Deana
3 months ago

My trainer’s name is Mike. Haha glad I’m not the only one who named their trainer!

Jeff Kryvicky
Jeff Kryvicky
3 months ago

I’ll be kicked off this site if I tell you what my trainer named me…
Very funny article Luciano!

Adam Dawson | Zwiftaholics
Adam Dawson | Zwiftaholics (@adamjmdawson)
2 months ago

It takes a brave man to post an under-the-seat photo on the WWW! Thanks for the laughs this morning

Rick Strike
Rick Strike
2 months ago

Hilarious article, Luciano! This explains a lot: I always wondered why my sweat puddles do not dry… must be Smart Trainer tears. Or why socks vanish: There is someone hungry…

Kartik Mistry
2 months ago

I yet to give name to my trainer :/

Eric Fernstrom
Eric Fernstrom
2 months ago

Dude, you are hilarious!

stella slow and steady 1.0
stella slow and steady 1.0
2 months ago

wow this is a great article 😍

Mike
Mike
2 months ago

Great article Luciano, love your posts and musings on Zwift life! After reading this one I was surprised to find this on my tablet this morning, mainly because I didn’t think the Bluetooth link reached that far! But as it was from my trainer I thought it only fair to post it. (Disclosure: views expressed in this post in no way represent the views of the postee and do not reflect on any human alive or dead nor any trainer, smart or feedback challenged) Keep up the good work Mike Dear Amanda. I was touched by your demand for equal… Read more »

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