Lucianotes: The Zwift Pohlmeier Scream

While most say the reason is unknown, there is a new theory gaining traction among experts who believe volcano reactivation starts as a result of vibrations produced by the Zwift Pohlmeier scream. 

What the heck is a Pohlmeier scream? 

I have directly interviewed one of the seven apostles who were present, first hand, for the first-ever Pohlmeier scream. 

So, Ricardo, tell me, what is this Pohlmeier scream thing?

“To utter an adrenaline-forced and piercing cry flavored with competitive madness to force others to pedal their legs to numbness.”

If you understand a single word of what Ricardo just said, please reach me via PM, you would be doing the community a great favor. 

It seems that everyone exposed to the first Pohlmeier scream has lost, at least partly, their common sense. Especially when it is time to describe or explain it. The Pohlmeier cult is born.

The genesis of the Pohlmeier Scream

Following exhaustive research, it seems the term Pohlmeier refers to the perpetrator of the original scream: Moritz Pohlmeier.

The blend of lactate, adrenaline, and endorphins in his body 28km into a Tour of Tewit Well TTT, resulted in a guttural sound that would have been considered blasphemy in any pre-Nina Hagen civilization, and in a sentence of several lives in jail (reincarnations would also be condemned to life in jail to avoid any risk of malediction for future generations).

The meaning of the scream itself is not important:

• Give it all!
• I’m dead!
• We are nearly there!
• It hurts!
• I need my mom!
• I can’t find my towel!
• I hate rim brakes but I pretend I love them instead of disc brakes because it makes me sound cool and savvy!

International Standards for Pohlmeier Certification 

Any sound, even unintelligible, works as long as it is compliant with the criteria to be Pohlmeier certified according to the IFPS (International Federation of Pohlmeier Screams):

• the Scream needs to be register at least 127 decibels
• the Scream needs to have a length of at least 5 seconds
• the Scream needs to occur at a moment where the audience is not expecting it, provoking a reaction of both surprise, rejection, and finally admiration among your teammates.

Therefore, the “how” is way more important than the “what” when Pohlmeierscreaming.

You can say whatever you want as long as the scream is something that comes from your guts. Almost like a ventriloquist. More than pronouncing it, you vomit a Pohlmeier scream.

Now you’re probably starting to grasp the concept. You may even recall witnessing several Pohlmeier screams in your Zwifter life. 

But you would certainly not admit, at this point in time, to have shouted Pohlmeier screams yourself.

My Pohlmeier Baptism

As far as I can recollect, my first Pohlmeier scream was the day of the second race of season 2 of the Zwift Racing League: the Volcano Stage. 1km to go, and I was in a pack of 15 other riders between the 10th and the 25th position. As I’m the lousiest sprinter in the world, I had no choice but to deploy a different tactic. I decided to attack at 800m. To be effective I knew I needed to do to “give it all”. 

800 meters to the banner,  I just stepped on my pedals and put all the strength I could into them. I was going to be a Spartan conquering new worlds, I was Flash Gordon and the Hulk combined in one body. The result of it was an immense and embarrassing scream coming from my stomach: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!!!!

The few seconds of silence on the Discord channel which followed my Pohlmeier scream felt like the Grand Canyon had suddenly opened between my teammates and me. Until Oscar started laughing his guts with the same intensity I had burped my scream. The others imitated him, leaving me knocking on the door of the Zwift Hall of Shame. 

The Disputable Impact of My First Pohlmeier Scream

I could not care less though. My effort had an immediate reward: a good 10 meters distance to the pack. 

However, the immediateness of the reward was proportional to its ephemerality.  In less than 10 seconds the pack took me back, chewed me, swallowed me, digested me, and in a way also pooped me if we maintain the digestion analogy.

I finished 25th. Last of the pack. 

I moved from Flash Gordon/The Hulk to a Sponge Bobbish version of Little Red Riding Hood in less than 300 meters. 

However, now I know that, by committing my first Pohlmeier scream, I became a real Zwift adult.

Are there any dear readers who were until now unaware Pohlmeier screamers who want to share their embarrassing stories? Do so in the comments. Audio samples are welcome 😂.