After rubbing virtual elbows with countless riders in my storied B-category Zwift racing career, I’ve found many of us have developed similar habits and obsessions due to the unique experience that is virtual bike racing. Outdoor racing has its own set of sillies, of course – but here are some just for fun, and just for Zwift.
#1: Blaming better riders for sandbagging instead of admitting we’re weak. (This goes for Strava segments too.)
Did you lose to someone who made a long breakaway? Definitely a height doper. Lost in the sprint? They’re sandbagging and need to be up a category. You ranked 14,354th on the Strava segment? That’s 14,353 cheaters, discovered!
#2: Only updating our Zwift weight when we’re lighter.
Most cyclists are in touch with their bodies enough to know when they’re a bit “heavy” and when they’re extra light. Feeling bloated? No need to weigh in and update our Zwift weight today. But if it’s a light day, you can bet we’ll be on the scales and happily updating our profile! Here’s a handy chart I sketched up to show how it works:
#3: Weighing ourselves totally naked, first thing in the morning.
Sure, the official Zwift Esports rules say to weigh in wearing your shorts and a jersey. But I don’t even wear a jersey on Zwift! And the bibs add 6 ounces of weight that aren’t my body weight. So really, the only fair thing is to weigh in naked. First thing in the morning. After a trip to the bathroom.
#4: Obsessing over virtual equipment timings.
In outdoor racing we know instinctively that a few seconds of aero advantage over an hourlong race really doesn’t matter at all. But something about seeing the cold, hard numbers on Zwift makes us obsess over which frame and wheels to use. And if it’s a TT… watch out! Time to pull an all-nighter.
#5: Congratulations! You’ve shrunk.
Generally speaking, humans want to be taller. But on Zwift, shorter is faster. Thus you have riders, especially those in their 40’s and up, rejoicing because they’ve discovered they’re actually a bit shorter than they were in in their 20’s. (Happened to me this summer, in fact.)
#6: ZwiftPower refresh, or nervous tick?
Serious Zwift racers know that the only real results are those on ZwiftPower. Especially in lower categories, you’ll often finish higher in ZwiftPower’s results due to other riders being DQ’d due to sandbagging or not being signed up for ZwiftPower.
But those results don’t show up immediately. And thus you’ll find sweaty, tired cyclists constantly refreshing their screens, waiting for the results to populate. Pageviews would drop by 90% if the site could just populate results immediately!
#7: Cheering when another rider gets coned.
The green cone of shame pops up in races which have Zwift’s (still beta) anti-sandbagging controls activated. It’s based on acceptable 1 and 5-minute power windows for each race category, and thus is used to indicate when someone is sandbagging.
And let’s just admit it – there’s no better feeling than seeing the cone appear above the rider who’s attacking off the front way too early on the final lap of Crit City.
#8: Discounting anyone on ZPower.
Although we know deep down at a rider on ZPower could be a strong athlete, that’s more and more doubtful given how pervasive smart trainers are today. And so, any time we’re beat by someone using virtual power, we’re quick to dismiss their performance. Because surely no other rider could be that much stronger than us (see #1)!
#9: Judging IRL bikes based on in-game performance.
If we think about it rationally, it makes no sense. But humans aren’t rational creatures. And that’s why, as we ponder which new bike to buy for outdoor riding, the new Canyon Aeroad seems amazing, while the Pinarello F12 is a total dog(ma). In-game performance is influencing real-world buying decisions.
#10: Shaving our legs.
To the rest of the world, it seems a bit silly for a man to shave his legs – even for outdoor racing. But we all do it anyway (roadies, at least). The first shave was just an experiment, but our legs just looked too good and felt too aero to let the hair grow back. And now here we are, in the dead of winter, shaving our legs to prepare for a Zwift race…
Perfectly normal. Nothing to see here.
#11: Blaming the powerup gods.
Got beat in the final sprint? It’s because you didn’t have an aero boost. Dropped on that climb? A feather would have saved you.
Other riders had them. Why didn’t you get them one? Luck of the draw, I guess. Certainly not a question of fitness.
#12: Picking events that suit us, instead of events that make us stronger.
Yes, I need to train my VO2 power to become a well-rounded cyclist. But those Crit City races are much more fun, and I’ve got a good sprint! Choosing your Zwift races is a constant battle between two options:
- The race that plays to my strengths but doesn’t push me to the limit
- The race that reveals my weakness but makes me stronger
What About You?
Come on, racers. There’s no shame in admitting that you’ve done some or all what I’ve listed above. What I’m more curious about is: what did I miss? Share below!
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