Lucianotes: Utterly Useless Advice

Beginning Zwifters are starved for advice. And there are plenty of places, like Zwift Insider, where you will find valuable bits of knowledge. The amount of time and effort these resources have saved me is priceless.

At the same time, on certain occasions some Zwifter colleagues, with the best of the intentions, have given me the most useless pieces of advice. Sometimes because they are wrong, sometimes because they are so obvious, and finally sometimes because they raise the notion of stupidity to levels one might think impossible.

I am sure many of you have experienced that moment where someone, almost whispering as if he was about to reveal to you the secret of eternal life, tells you: listen to me because what I am about to tell you is reaaaaally important… and then says: 

1. Keep some strength for the end of the race. Thank you! Because I was planning to give it all in the first kilometer, every single drop of sweat and just die in the second kilometer. Thanks to your wise words now I am going to give it all in the 5 kilometer…
2. Take it easy at the beginning. I followed that advice on my first Zwift race… only to discover after 30 seconds that everybody sprinted and I was by myself, 102nd out of 102. Thanks for the advice mate.
3. Press hard on the pedals. Oh really? That’s how cycling works? The harder you press the faster you go? What a strange mechanism! I did not think about it this way. Followup question: do you mean on both pedals or will only one be enough?
4. The strongest wins it the end. How unfair is this? Because in most of the other sports I am quite sure the weakest wins, right?
5. Use the feather at the highest gradient in the KOM. Thank you! Because I had spotted this absolutely flat 2km in the circuit where I was planning to use the feather if I had one. But now that you’ve told me this it makes sense!!! Thank you for existing!!! I don’t know if I would survive without your precious precious advice!!!!
6. Stay in the draft as much as you can. Thank you!!!! Since I love wind in my face slowing me down and making me waste tons of watts I was planning not to get my share of draft and give it to my competitors. Do you have any other gems of advice like this one you would like to enlighten me with?
7. You should warm up before the race. You mean it is not advisable to go from absolute deep sleep to 10000w in one second? Because my intention was to destroy all my muscles at the start of the race and injure myself for many weeks.
8. We should try not to lose anyone during the TTT. Hallelujah!!!! You deserve the Nobel Prize for the most useless advice ever. Because we are all idiots and were planning to free ride, each one at our own pace, without saying anything to anyone. But thank God you came through with this wonderful advice and now only two of us idiots will free ride!!!
9. Choose the lightest bike possible for your Everesting. Woah, what incredibly insightful advice!!!! Thank God you told me because I was planning to take the Buffalo Bike and tie two or three Watopian brontosauruses to the wheels for the entire twelve hours and almost 9k elevation of the challenge!
10. It’s all in your head. The stronger mentally wins the race. Are you serious?!?! Did you ever climb Alpe du Zwift? 18th turn, three to go, when all the veins of my body are about to explode, it’s just in my head?!? So it’s just a hallucination? 
11. Join the pen before the start of the race. Thank you!!! So you mean I need to be in the starting area at the start of the race? I would have never guessed that without you telling me?!!!
12. You have to register for the event to be able to race. Whaaaaaaaat?! Is that a secret trick only the VIP ought to know? I thought Zwift would guess by itself the events I would go to and bring me there by magic! 
13. Drink if you feel thirsty, eat if you are hungry. OMG thank you for that utterly useless advice!!! I did not know that! My plan was to totally starve, dehydrate myself to death and resuscitate in the form of a Pace Partner Zombie haunting the Fuego Flats! 
14. Make sure you have connected your smart trainer before the race. Thank you!!! I have now been zwifting daily for over a year. But I never thought of connecting my smart trainer!!!
15. Don’t forget to breathe during the race. Really, are you sure I should breathe? Is this scientifically proven I need to breathe? I am going to think about that one because I am quite positive I can do the Uber Pretzel in apnea!!!
16. Be careful, it’s a short (for a 5km event) or a long (for an event on the Uber pretzel) or a flat (Tempus Fugit) or a hilly (Road to Sky) ride. Thank you! When I saw the profile of the circuit was saying 125km and 3.000 meters elevation I did not know what it was referring to! Now I know it’s long and hilly!!!
17. Do the best you can. Thank you!!!! I was planning to do the worst I can but now that you’ve told me I think it is not such a bad idea to try to do the best I can!!! 
18. You should train to improve. What a disgrace!!!! I thought that only by paying my Zwift monthly subscription fee and slurping whipped cream milkshakes on the sofa I would improve by divine intervention! So you mean you need to actually make an effort to be better?
19. You should check your Internet connection. This one pushed me to near spontaneous self-combustion, as I had just been dropped out of a ZRL race literally 150 meters before the finish line. So thank you for this wonderful advice you sent to me via telegram that I would not have received without an Internet connection!

Within your circle of Zwifter friends I am sure you can spot at least one of those guys able to industrially produce utterly useless advice. I would really like to hear some of them – comment below!