#1: Instagram Potential
Before the race, your arrogance pushes you to try to look like a pro cyclist. You look wonderful in your Castelli Giro d’Italia kit. Your selfies could perfectly fit the front page of Cycling Weekly if you were actually someone relevant.
In a selfie after the race, you wish you could barely look like someone of your own species. No filter can correct your Jabba the Hut, effort-bagged eyes. At best you look ugly, at worst you would be condemned to jail time for sharing such offensive content through social media.
#2: Humor vs Susceptibility
Before the race, you are able to crack and be the subject of the most abusive jokes. Getting roasted Comedy Central-like is no problem.
After the race, someone attempting a vague metaphor for your performance is at risk of being stabbed by one of the spokes you just tore from the wheel of your bike.
#3: Physical Condition
Before the race you are able (or at least you feel able) to do a hundred pushups while simultaneously smoking a cigar and singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
After the race, the mere thought of having to climb the stairs from the pain cave to the shower makes you shed blood tears.
#4: Hygiene Deterioration
Before the race, you smell like the essence of a spring-bloomed Sakura.
After the race, your body has created its own biotope. Alien bacteria and viruses have grown spontaneously in the pad of your bib short. Any living thing approaching within 200 meters immediately loses its sense of smell.
#5: Loss of Dignity
Before the race, your pride convinces you today is the day you are going to explode on the face of the world as the Wout Van Aert you have always been but nobody knew.
After the race, you desperately Google “how to definitely delete all the data and the log file of a ride on Zwift” so nobody, ever, even by accident, is exposed to the infamy of your performance.
#6: Discipline Relativity
Before the race, you warm up by the book, preparing methodically, pre-hydrating and taking mineral salt supplements. You’d better do things right or not do it at all, right?
After the race, f**k it, who really needs to cool down and stretch?
#7: Expectations Management
Before the race, you have hopes. You love the circuit. You know exactly when you are going to place that attack which will split the pack into pieces and have you finishing in the top 5.
After the race, you have excuses. You had several technical issues, your mother called during the race and you thought it was an emergency… Plus you never liked that circuit anyway.
#8: Original Soundtrack
Before the race, it is Black Eyed Peas “I got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night”.
After the race, it is Beck’s “Soy un perdedor… I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”
#9: Zwift Fan Status
Before the race, you are a Zwift junkie and ultimate fan. This is the best thing ever, best game ever. It’s surprising how reliable the platform is given the stress it is put under during ZRL races.
After the race, Zwift is responsible for your whole failure.
“Why do they launch messy updates on ZRL days?”
“The platform is irremediably unstable.”
“I had a 30-second delay between my pedaling and the wattage output.”
“The other riders would not show on the screen, it kept connecting/disconnecting.”
“The finish line was not where it was supposed to be so I launched my sprint 200 meters early.”
“The pack turned right but my avatar turned left.”
(Note: all the previous quotes are mine and actually happened. Seriously.)
#10: Willingness to Race
Before the race, you are up for the entire ZRL season. You have always been very committed. Your weekly ZRL race is the lighthouse guiding your week. Plus there is nothing more important than the team.
After the race, there is no freaking way you will ever race again. Who would want to suffer that way every Tuesday? Not you for sure! The team can find another victim because hell no you will never race again!
What About You?
What changes have you seen in yourself post-race? Share below!
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