Back in March, I was upgraded to Category A. The immediate consequence was that I could no longer compete in the Zwift Racing League with my Jerbos team.
My Zwift routine was totally broken.
If at first, this seemed like something I could handle. But I quickly found myself falling into a depression. I felt my entire life had been left without purpose, and after discussions with some relatives, it became obvious I needed help.
The intense sessions with my therapist have helped me understand how I ended up addicted to Zwift. Together, we have identified different stages leading to Acute Zwift Addiction Syndrome (A.Z.A.S.).
This is not something I am proud nor ashamed of, and I am sharing it with all of you in hopes that anyone in the same situation will understand they are not alone. Here goes my slow but steady descent into Zwift Addiction.
Stage 1
I have started to dream of Watopia regularly. It is one of the first signs of Z.A.S.
According to the shrink, if treated at the earliest stages of its manifestation it can result in superficial cognitive damage only.
Stage 2
I have started having heated debates about:
- the fairness of Zwift categories
- Zwift vs IRL accuracy
- the most appropriate bike frame for one or another circuit
- the beauty of a circuit versus another
- in favor or against the use of ERG mode during workouts
- the type of physical torture a sandbagger should be sentenced to
If you are at this stage of your Z.A.S. you should start getting worried.
Stage 3
After being disconnected at 150m from the finish line of a ZRL race, I cried like a baby for half an hour. After taking my time, my hopes, and my conversations, Z.A.S. was now taking control of my emotions.
Stage 4
I have had the Tron Bike quest fever for months. The most aggressive variant of the disease manifests itself with actual TBV antibodies (TBV=Tron Bike Virus) in your blood tests. This is the turning point when you actually metabolize your Zwift addiction and it will never leave you.
You may, after a tremendous effort, manage to get away from it temporarily. But your Z.A.S. will always be there, latent, ready to strike back.
Stage 5
On ZRL days (Tuesday for me) I could not think about anything besides the race. I would watch all the recce videos and read all forums in order to make sure I would not miss the marginal gains. My life was depending on it. I would watch live streaming from APAC races to see how they were evolving and where to use PowerUps, deciding on a strategy and changing it 1000 times until the start of the race.
Stage 6
First thing I do in the mornings is read Zwift Insider at breakfast. This symptom has evolved and has become more severe as I have started reading ZI while doing number 2 in the bathroom, staying there for an hour until my legs hurt and I no longer feel them. My entire world revolves around Zwift now, even the news.
I am officially diagnosed with Chronic Zwift Addiction Syndrome. If you reach this stage, you should disclose your condition to friends and relatives as you will need them big time to get out of this. Don’t wait. Call now.
Stage 7
I now desperately need everything Zwift related ASAP. Any new circuit I need to do it ASAP. Any new kit I need to get it ASAP. Any new challenge I need to do it ASAP. Any new gadget I need to buy it ASAP. Any new update I need to patch it ASAP. Any new article I need to read it ASAP. Any new frame or wheels I need to get them ASAP.
Does that ring a bell? If the answer is yes then you have experienced one or more O.C.A.Z.A.S.E. (Obsessive Compulsive Acute Zwift Addiction Syndrome Episodes).
Stage 8
It happened during the Tour de France 2020. I was Zwifting on ADZ while watching a mountain stage on TV and all of a sudden I was there, with them… and I was part of the pack. There was Roglic, then Pogacar, and I was lagging just 16 seconds behind, between Enric Mas and Richie Porte. Unfortunately it seemed I was not going to make it to the Tour’s podium… but next year… take it for granted I am going to be a tough cookie….
If you are having those kinds of dystopian episodes, welcome to the world of severe Z.A.S. conditions.
Stage 9
One day when asked for the thousandth time “what’s this Zwift thing I spend all my time on”, I took a deep breath to start talking. However, when I measured the immensity and complexity of the challenge I was facing to get my ignorant interlocutor to grasp a blurry idea of what it meant to me, I answered “forget about it, you would not understand.”
This is called isolation. It is common to all cults and severe psychological pathologies. At one point you feel so far away from others that you just abandon the idea that others would understand you and you stop communicating. Scary, right?
Stage 10
One day I pretended I was sick to cancel a dinner with a friend while in reality I just wanted to Zwift. And that’s what I did.
An even more intense variant of this occurred when my wife and I were invited to dinner by some friends and I told her I was not feeling well, insisting that she should go by herself and have fun. As soon as she closed the door I jumped on my bike and smart trainer to Zwift.
If this happens to you there is no way easy or fast way back. Rehab in a Zwift Deconnection Camp becomes mandatory.
Stage 11
I’m not sure when it started, but I began talking to my smart trainer. Very quickly I gave her a human name: Amanda. My Kickr Climb is Hector and some of you have already mentioned to me that you have done the same.
If you have reached this degree of psychopathy there is no possible rehab. Just assume you have entered a new dimension of Z.A.S.
Stage 12
I could recognize the faces of any influencer in the Zwift Ecosystem. In increasing order of pathos: DC Rainmaker, GPLama Shane Miller, Stefan Kirchmair, Eric Schlange, and Abraham Benrubi (the actor interpreting “Kubiac” in “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” TV Show). OK, the last one has nothing to do with Zwift but discovering I remembered his face allowed me to acknowledge I have a serious problem anyhow, independently of the Zwift one. Now, if you manage to recognize the other four faces, OMG…
Stage 13
I have started writing about Zwift, generating content to feed my own pathology.
Now, let’s be clear. If you have reached the end of this post you are done too. Who the hell would read an entire article about the things revealing if you are a Zwift addict if you are not actually the most Zwift Addict of all Zwift Addicts? Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
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