#1: Instagram Potential
Before the race, your arrogance pushes you to try to look like a pro cyclist. You look wonderful in your Castelli Giro d’Italia kit. Your selfies could perfectly fit the front page of Cycling Weekly if you were actually someone relevant.
In a selfie after the race, you wish you could barely look like someone of your own species. No filter can correct your Jabba the Hut, effort-bagged eyes. At best you look ugly, at worst you would be condemned to jail time for sharing such offensive content through social media.
#2: Humor vs Susceptibility
Before the race, you are able to crack and be the subject of the most abusive jokes. Getting roasted Comedy Central-like is no problem.
After the race, someone attempting a vague metaphor for your performance is at risk of being stabbed by one of the spokes you just tore from the wheel of your bike.
#3: Physical Condition
Before the race you are able (or at least you feel able) to do a hundred pushups while simultaneously smoking a cigar and singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
After the race, the mere thought of having to climb the stairs from the pain cave to the shower makes you shed blood tears.
#4: Hygiene Deterioration
Before the race, you smell like the essence of a spring-bloomed Sakura.
After the race, your body has created its own biotope. Alien bacteria and viruses have grown spontaneously in the pad of your bib short. Any living thing approaching within 200 meters immediately loses its sense of smell.
#5: Loss of Dignity
Before the race, your pride convinces you today is the day you are going to explode on the face of the world as the Wout Van Aert you have always been but nobody knew.
After the race, you desperately Google “how to definitely delete all the data and the log file of a ride on Zwift” so nobody, ever, even by accident, is exposed to the infamy of your performance.
#6: Discipline Relativity
Before the race, you warm up by the book, preparing methodically, pre-hydrating and taking mineral salt supplements. You’d better do things right or not do it at all, right?
After the race, f**k it, who really needs to cool down and stretch?
#7: Expectations Management
Before the race, you have hopes. You love the circuit. You know exactly when you are going to place that attack which will split the pack into pieces and have you finishing in the top 5.
After the race, you have excuses. You had several technical issues, your mother called during the race and you thought it was an emergency… Plus you never liked that circuit anyway.
#8: Original Soundtrack
Before the race, it is Black Eyed Peas “I got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night”.
After the race, it is Beck’s “Soy un perdedor… I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”
#9: Zwift Fan Status
Before the race, you are a Zwift junkie and ultimate fan. This is the best thing ever, best game ever. It’s surprising how reliable the platform is given the stress it is put under during ZRL races.
After the race, Zwift is responsible for your whole failure.
“Why do they launch messy updates on ZRL days?”
“The platform is irremediably unstable.”
“I had a 30-second delay between my pedaling and the wattage output.”
“The other riders would not show on the screen, it kept connecting/disconnecting.”
“The finish line was not where it was supposed to be so I launched my sprint 200 meters early.”
“The pack turned right but my avatar turned left.”
(Note: all the previous quotes are mine and actually happened. Seriously.)
#10: Willingness to Race
Before the race, you are up for the entire ZRL season. You have always been very committed. Your weekly ZRL race is the lighthouse guiding your week. Plus there is nothing more important than the team.
After the race, there is no freaking way you will ever race again. Who would want to suffer that way every Tuesday? Not you for sure! The team can find another victim because hell no you will never race again!
What About You?
What changes have you seen in yourself post-race? Share below!
“I had a 30-second delay between my pedaling and the wattage output.”
Did you find out why? This happens to me from time to time. Since I don’t race, it hardly matters, but I _am_ curious.
It happened to me twice, and the two times it was in a TTT. I don’t know the first time, but the second time I changed bike frame and wheels while in the pen, a few minutes before the start … I assume this was the issue, however I cannot be sure at all.
Love the article. I can totally relate to Zwift issues as some happened with me as well.
I too have a connectivity issue… Between perceived power output and actual power output.. That might be connectivity between brain and muscles though
Do you use Bluetooth or Ant+ for the connection between your brain and your muscles? Because I think this one is a massive common connectivity issue we all have. If you find the firmware upgrade solving it let me know
A measure of IRL ability has me comfortable and sure of myself on Zwift–Until racing ZRL, and then I realize I am but a very small bait fish amongst an ocean of racing monsters! I also realize my biggest excuse for being dropped after the first lap in a 6 lap race is that I am small and flatter courses don’t suit small riders . . . yep, so that’s it!
😂😂😂😂no worries. I have now absolute conviction that there is an inverse corrélation between race results and excuse creativity
I think the appearance one is a classic. Before ZRL onna Tuesday night, i look somewhat decent, post ZRL i look like a haggered mess of a man who has been dragged through a bush backwards, who has been living in a shed for all his life.
😂😂😂😂 and that’s the moment when the team captain says: let’s put the camera to have a group photo !!!
Another great piece from you Luciano!
Here are a couple more you may recognise!!
The training plan guru
Pre race
When you confidently line up for your first race after religiously following a 12 week structured training programme, that you swear has given you the strength of an ox and the stamina of an iron man triathlete, and of which you have been selling to your team mates ever since you started the regime.
Post race
With your heart and respiration rate on the ceiling, your legs in pieces and your partner warily breaking out the defibrillator, just in case, you loudly and vehemently swear that all structured training is crap and you’re going to do your own f’ing thing from now on!
The over confident planner
Pre-race
When you confidently and casually scan the entries for your next race, noting the presence of any of your ZwiftPower nemisees, and those who have w/kg averages right at the limit of the category and spend hours planing your race strategy accordingly.
Post-race
With your strategy in pieces and legs destroyed, you frantically scroll through Zwiftpower results looking for anyone you can report as sandbagging with the hope that their elimination will put your placing into the top half of the field.
Mouhahahahahahaha. I know one over confident pre planner fitting 200% with the description HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In an ADZ Race:
Before: I could go for a vEverest right now. Why not make it a double vEverest?!!!!
After:
Yes!!!