My reasons for cycling have been two-fold: exercise to lose weight and exercise to combat my depression. To stick to the flat routes, for me, was a cop-out. I was getting exercise, but I was losing the mind-battle on the flats. I worked hard on the flats so I could beat my previous times, but that mountain continued to stare down at me, almost mocking me. “Only strong cyclists ride up this mountain!” “You’re too fat to ride this far!” “You can’t do it!”
So I decided a fictional mountain would not beat me!
I started a few weeks ago with a little mind game. I would ride up it until I got to the first bridge. I’d then turn around and ride back down, adding a few miles quickly on the descent as my reward for going up. The next time I rode up my goal was to ride until I hit 500 feet of elevation gain. With the reward of going back down. Then I did 600 feet, 700 feet, 800 feet.
Today I was supposed to do 900 feet. Because of my depression, it often takes me twice as long to recover than the average person, so I push myself, but I don’t push so hard that I’m useless for 3 days. But today, I was SO close to the top I couldn’t help myself. I had to finish. And I did! I finished the mountain today! Of the 108 people who went up, 107 of them were faster than me. By a lot. But I wasn’t trying to be fast. I was staying the course. I went up the mountain!
And here’s what I learned:
- I’m stronger than I think. (My husband knew this, but I’m still trying to believe it.)
- My cycling journey looks different than other people’s and that’s neither better nor worse.
- It’s okay to stop riding for a few minutes to regain composure. I’m still making progress.
- When I’m riding on narrow roads with huge drop-offs on Zwift I have great anxiety and fear and have to look away from the screen to remember I’m in a garage.
- I have worth, both on the bike and off.
- I feel so much better about life and am happier when I accomplish big things.
If you haven’t ridden up the mountain go do it now! You won’t regret it, even if you’re the slowest to the top!
Well done Monica you have mine and I would hope many others respect. I am from a Racing cycling background but hey cycling is cycling. In races and training I constantly think you know we are all hurting here .Different degrees but hurt all the same.
That mountain wont conquer you as you sound like your motivation is in the right place, your head.
I want to ride with you up that mountain, work and joy in what we do is vital for our growth within ourselves.
I’ve tried 3 times to post this comment. Yesterday I did EPIC KOM in reverse. As an Athena climbing is challenging and I don’t weight dope. Managed under 54 min which I was ok with for first try. Next time will try normal direction which has lower avg gradient tho longer distance.
Thank you so much for posting this. Well done. Inspiring.
Fantastic and inspirational! I actually climbed up that mountain yesterday for the first time. At first my idea was to get to the bas of the mountain and then turn around, but once I got there I was like: Ok, maybe a bit more, to see that village. Once I made it to the village I wanted to reach the castle, then the snow, and before I realized I was already half way up! Soooo… Why not just clib the other half? It was incredible and exhausting!
Nice article. I rode new track today. It was hill climb 1150 Meters. I was at 130 place from 137 people. What does it mean? That other 3000 people didn’t try that! I have 120kg and I was probably fastest downhiller after, but zwift not measure it :). It is about your mentality, not about other people. I am riding mountains every workout, because it is big opportunity for my brain. Flat roads are so boring (and I am fat and tall, so I have handicap instead of omall thin riders). Stay tuned your mind to the hills Monica, you can fight with your brain every workout and win!! I started at 128 kg weight after 5 years of bike riding delay. I was afraid that trainer can broke under my body, but I pushed all limits and I like it very much. I hope it can be motivation for you! Have a nice uphilling 🙂
Kinda makes the view from the top all that much better. I really enjoyed that story. Think I’ll climb a certain mountain this week to applaud.
Well done! Forget everyone else on that hill, settle in to your own rhythm and breathing and see how far your body and mind can take you. The distance you go is the distance you can be proud of! Smashed it!
I just saw and read this post yesterday … and found a bit of myself in this article. I just recently tackled my excess weight and while my biking has improved this year, I never would have voluntarily taken on the Epic KOM. But you inspired me to push myself harder … today I said to hell with it, I’m getting up this damn hill! And I love that I can surprise myself, I rode away with the polka dot jersey … and you played a big part in that … so thank you for your inspirational story!