Lucianotes: Error 404 – My Morning Apocalypsis

Today started like every other day. My wake-up routine is extremely precise and inalterable. Around 6AM Luna, my dog, starts hitting me with her paw because she wants food. I ignore her for about 15 minutes until I surrender. 

6h15 AM: wake-up routine

Quick number one in the toilet. Luna gets her food, I turn on the automatic coffee machine (DeLonghi, one machine I could not live without), put the whole wheat bread in the toaster. I cut the ham and the tomato, open the door so Luna goes to the garden. I have my coffee done including the milk foam, sit down and open the iPad. I put the live news channel in french for five minutes to confirm the world is as horrible as I left it yesterday, and shift to l’Equipe (sport newspaper) for five minutes.

6h22 AM: the kraken is released.

Today it’s mainly about Nadal win over Djokovic at Roland Garros. Incredible game that kept me awake until 2 AM last night. Then I click on ZI link and…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My entire world is collapsing before my eyes!!!!!

I frantically refresh the page again and again, with the same unacceptable and torturing result: error 404. 

After three minutes I have no choice but to acknowledge the awful reality: ZwiftInsider.com is down. 

6h28 AM: The panic attack, the end of the world.

I start hyperventilating and immediately look for the asthma inhaler I only use in desperate situations. 

Heart rate goes to zone 5, I am sweating and about to cry. Everything is blurry, and I barely manage to think properly. 

The mere thought that Eric is now sleeping (6.29 AM Central European Time) and may not solve this for another 4+ hours places me somewhere between “totally freaking out” to “absolutely hysterical”. 

What if EVERYTHING was lost? Forever?! The frames and wheels performance comparisons! The circuit details! The experiences and collective memories from all the Zwifters of the world evaporated! EVERYTHING!

How will we explain to future generations that we miserably failed in our most basic responsibility towards humankind? That we did not manage to keep the source of all knowledge safe? That our most valuable mission on earth had failed? What kind of legacy are we going to leave to our children?

6h30 AM: Find the responsible party.

I need to find a responsible party, someone or something guilty for this. Who would benefit from ZI going down? 

I quickly dismiss the usual suspects. Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, The Joker, Thanos, Magneto… I just can’t picture any of them riding a smart trainer. 

6h32 AM:  the acknowledgment curve.

I build 10 different conspiracy theories in two minutes, each more absurd than the one before, only to eventually admit I have no clue and no influence on the situation. I will have to accept my fate like the rest of the universe and wait until the disaster is fixed, or not…

It cannot be, it is just a bad dream. In any case, I need some support. I have no choice but to wake up my wife so she can help me through this rough patch. 

6h34 AM: getting help.

Me:  Honey (I call my wife by a different nickname but it is way too ridiculous and intimate to be shared here), something awful happened…

Her: grmphh… mpffff .. mmmm….

Me: Honey (don’t insist, I am not going to tell you what I call her), something terrible happened.” 

Her: wh…wh…whaaaat….. (and falls asleep again)

Me: I am not sure I am going to be able to handle this one, it goes way beyond my tolerance capacity. I mean I am a strong and resilient guy but we all have our limits. 

Her: (suddenly waking up and nervous) WHAT HAPPENED?! ARE YOU OK?! ARE YOU INJURED? I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE BIKE! ARE YOU OK?!

Me: well, physically I am ok, but something terrible happened, ZI is down.

Her: what do you mean ZI is down?? Wait… what are you serious?! All this drama because ZI is down?! It’s good news it is down! You will finally have another topic of conversation during dinner different from the speed comparison for the last frame that was launched. And I will not have to argue with you on that one-second difference being important or not!

6h36 AM: All by myself again.

She pushes me out of the room, closes the door. The dog looks at me with a mix of compassion and condolence. 

I am left by myself. Nobody understands me. 

There is a time/space black hole now. All I know is that it is 3PM and ZI is up and running again. 

As I don’t trust anyone, I will spend my entire weekend making the inventory of ZI and checking that all the articles and posts are back. One by one. 

Hopefully it will never happen again. Not sure I would survive it.