Diary of a Wimpy Zwifter with Slight OCD

December 23, 2019

LAST UPDATED December 23, 2019

Zwifter Shay Vansover recently posted this brilliant writeup on the Zwift Riders Facebook group. It was so wonderfully done that I asked him if I could share it here on Zwift Insider. Enjoy!

Coming home from work with a huge motivation to get on the trainer and hit a strong workout.
Approaching the trainer, only to find out that my wife was riding it yesterday and left her bike attached.
Don’t understand how can she do a workout on the trainer when the mat is not aligned with the floor tiles? Who rides like this?
Dragging and straightening the mat (with the trainer and bike).
Getting her bike off the trainer.
Cursing for a whole 3 minutes that I never remember to change my clothes before I mess with the bike as I now got grease all over my pants from the chain.
Scrubbing the pants in the bathroom with a damp towel with no apparent success… Fourth pair this month.
Putting on some workout clothes.
Shocked at the view from the mirror. My God – Green T-shirt with orange striped gym shorts?… My sense of fashion is deteriorating.
Going back to the trainer and looking for my bike … F**k! They are downstairs in the parking’s storage room.
Putting on a pair of shoes and heading down to the Parking floor level.
The storage room is locked. Where did I put the keys? … In the pocket of the dirty pants at my apartment. I forgot to take them out.
Heading back to the apartment. The elevator stops on the 2,5,7,8,12 floors before reaching my floor.
Heading down to the Parking level again.
My bike and I are now back in the apartment. This time, the elevator stopped only in one more floor on the way up.
Disassembling the rear wheel.
For the love of god!… The chain has fallen off again.
Looking around for some wipers but can’t find any. Never mind – putting back the chain with my bare hands.
Hooking the bike on the trainer and wiping the sweat of my face with my hands.
My daughter sees me and lets me know that my face are covered with black grease.
Going to the bathroom again to clean. Hardly anything is coming off. Must remember to replace the type of grease I use for something more environmentally friendly.
Going to fill a bottle of cold water and thinking about what else to organize before I start training? … I think I’ve thought of everything, I’m ready. Returning to the bike.
I forgot a towel. Going to fetch it. Returning to the bike.
I forgot my heart-rate wrist band. Going to fetch it. Going back to the bike.
Putting on my cycling shoes.
Turning on the computer and starting Zwift.
Wondering which workout to choose?
Choosing the hardest. One and a half hours on 95% IF.
Changing to a different workout. An hour and a quarter on 85% IF.
Settling for an hour workout with a 70% IF.
Mounting the bike and I start to pedal.
Nothing happens …. I forgot to connect the trainer to the power outlet.
Getting off the bike and plugging the power cord.
Starting to pedal again.
Nothing happens … Getting off the bike to restart the computer, unplugging the trainer from the electricity, laughing at all those idiots who think they need to wait 60 seconds before plugging it back in …
-Waiting 60 seconds and plugging it back in.
Remounting the bike.
I forgot to bring my Garmin Edge.
“Why do you need it for an indoor session?” I ask myself. There is no need to record and compare watts with each workout, let’s just start riding and finish the workout already.
Getting off the bike to bring the Edge.
Returning to the bike and starting to pedal again.
Dammit. I forgot to turn on the fan… Luckily for me I invested in a ‘smart socket’ that I can turn on and off from my mobile phone without getting off the bike … but where the hell is my phone? – I left it on the kitchen table.
Getting off the bike to get the phone and turning on the fan.
An hour and a quarter passed since my decision to do a workout and finally everything seems to be working. I’m as ready as I can. Come on! let’s do a 60 minutes workout properly.
My wife yells at me from the next room that I have 15 minutes to finish because she made plans for us to go out.
God, please kill me and be done with it.